There's a reason every hand-history you post describes you as 'Hero'. You are one. So what if you've not been bitten by a mutant spider, or had some kind of rendezvous with a radio-active saveloy? You're a poker player, and hours of grinding in your underpants has armed you with an arsenal of super powers, giving you an edge in areas of life that regular humans would simply crumble.
Batman may have his utility belt, and Captain America his super-powered shield and a seemingly useless gimp mask, but you have your poker skills: An un-bluffable gut, coupled with superhuman focus and flexibility, and a poker face so fierce that Mount Vesuvius itself wouldn't dare erupt before your hand had finished. You live the game and find unique ways to employ your super powers in everyday life.
This makes poker players unique. It makes you special. At least, that's what you tell yourself...
Here's a few scenarios where poker invades life:
Maintaining Your Poker Face:
- Blaming your flatulence on the dog.
- The minute before your friend falls for a practical joke.
- When your mum tells that story of how you peed the bed after watching Terminator as a child (though this might just be me...!)
- When it is as bad as it looks.
- Trying to discipline your dog for doing the naughtiest, but funniest thing you've ever seen.
- The entire 24 hours before you're proposing to your girlfriend.
- When someone you don't like trips over.
- Knowing what to say then the hairdresser shows you the back of your head.
- When your girlfriend spent a long time making you a meal, but it tastes like cat litter.
- Trying to claim 'student discount', when your student card ran out months ago.
- When you ask for a pricing at a shop, and it's way more than you can afford.
- When you can't tell if your friend's being serious or telling a joke.
- Pretending you're happy for the winner of the award you were nominated for.
- When your girlfriend clocks you checking out a hot girl across the street.
- Just after you've taken a tequila shot.
- Pretending you liked that tequila shot.
- Insisting, that you only have eyes for your girlfriend.
- Claiming you didn't cry at The Notebook.
- Agreeing that the difference between 'deep rouge' and 'mahogany' lipstick is actually a big deal.
- Claiming you can believe it's not butter.
- Pretending it's your birthday to get free cake at TGIF's.
- Any of your social media profile pictures.
- Insisting that newborn babies look like anything other than aliens.
- Laughing at this article.
- Claiming you enjoy sour candy.
- When you 'politely' offer your friend petrol money after a lift.
- When you're not sure if you locked the front door, but you're already 20 minutes form home
- Ordering a steak because you know you will be playing credit card roulette for the bill.
- Discussing the Game of Thrones books, when you only watched the shows.
- Pretending you like a gift when the best thing about it is its resale value.
- Switching the weights to a heavier setting just before you leave the bench.
- Reluctantly offering to be designated driver.
- Using a 'one time' when using your bank card.
- Trying to convince your parents that playing poker makes you an athlete.
- Anything you say in a job interview.
- Having to re-watch an entire series with friends after a secret Netflix binge.
- Your friend accepts the money for petrol.
- When you expected your friend to say no to some help, but they snap call.
- Offering to play wingman.
- Anything you agree to do 'tomorrow' when you're drunk.
- Proposing to your girlfriend.
- Whenever the topic of weight comes up in conversation with you girlfriend.
- When you and your partner bump into an ex out shopping.
- Letting your team-mate run around the corner first in a Call of Duty game.
- Working out how many buy-ins it will cost to go to the cinema.
- Whenever you girlfriend says she's 'fine'.
- Stopping the petrol meter at £19:43 so you can afford a chocolate bar too.
- Turning down a solid 10 because you have a girlfriend.
- Once you've popped, you manage to stop.
- Saying nothing and smiling when asked the 'yeah, but how much did you lose' question?
- Quitting Candy Crush before you run out of lives.
- Still going to the gym in February.
- When the fuel light says you have 20 miles remaining, but you drive at least 30.
- Driving through the speed camera at 33mph and not getting flashed.
- When a salesman says he can't do a better price, but you successfully squeeze him for an extra 5%.
- When your girlfriend says she'll be ready to leave in10 minutes, you start getting ready in 30, and you're still done first.
Signs of a Nit:
- Juggling your items all the way to the car to save the 5p carrier bag charge.
- Refusing to leave a tip unless the waiter pretty much does handstands.
- Desperately needing the toilet when it's your drinks round.
- Waiting for your penny change at the 99p store.
- When buying new jeans feels like getting stacked.
- You keep every charging cable you've ever had, just in case.
- Booking a flight with 4 layovers because it's 5% cheaper.
- Buying next year's Christmas presents in this year's New Year's sales.
- Anyone using coupons.
- Buying margarine even though you can believe it's not butter.
Spinning It Up/Gambling:
- Using Tinder.
- Red jeans.
- Anything that follows a YOLO.
- Using rock, paper, scissors to decide who pays for the drinks.
- Buying the purples in Monopoly.
- Booking the window seat on an economy flight.
- Cocktails with either hot sauce, Tequila or Baileys.
- Checking if your socks are clean with 'the sniff test'.
- Dancing when you think nobody's looking.
- Catching a terrifying spider to impress a girl.
- Booking a train 15 minutes after your flight lands.
- Drinking full fat milk.
- Using friendly fire to steal a care-package.
- 'Flipping' for anything and everything.
- Using the bottle of shower-gel someone left in the gym shower.
- Upgrading to Windows 10.
When You Realise You've Played Too Much Poker:
- You can tell it's five to 7the hour by your bathroom desperation.
- You can't have coins on the table without shuffling them.
- You use terms such as 'drawing dead', 'bad beat' or 'variance' in everyday life.
- You find GTO ways of doing things like the dishes, making tea and cooking.
- You justify lying as 'bluffing'.
- A Sunday night cinema date is 'missing EV'.
- You start colour coding your friends' by senses of humour.
- You start referring to anything as “the nuts”.
- When you call toilet paper loo-bank-roll
- Anyone who does something wrong is 'a fish'.
- You look for GTO ways to approach family boardgames.
- You ante up when you sit at the dinner table.
- When a straight on Broadway isn't a big deal.
- When 'tilted' and 'annoyed' become synonymous.
- When folding a napkin means sliding it towards the waiter in a restaurant.
- When you insist, diamonds are blue.
Raising the Stakes:
- Playing credit card roulette when you just ordered a side.
- Not washing your hands after handling hot sauce.
- Accusing 7 of being afraid of 6.
- Blind dating.
- Talking to a Scotsman with a fake Scottish accent.
- Paying for Winrar.
- Licking a cracked lip.
- Using an out of date condom.
- Letting your girlfriend leave a toothbrush at your place.
- … and giving her your Facebook password.